the dream and the weight
Thursday, September 30, 2004 @ 4:58 PM 0 comments

I just finished paying my initial fees for the 2nd term and the start of classes will be on Monday, October 4. I don't really know what to do with my schedule, I've classes every Mondays thru Sundays! God, How could I ever deal with that? I'm not sure how I will manage to do this, but all I know is I've got to.

I had a strange dream last night. There was Shiela, dressed in an apple green sweatshirt and jeans with her hair neatly combed, tied in a pigtail. The kind of clothes she used to wear before we broke up and before she first went to Japan. She looked so simple and beautiful, I almost thought it was real. She was there, in that dream, and what made it strange is that she was asking me to come back to her, which is quite impossible now. She's still with Rommel, though she's working in Japan. They're having some sort of a long distance affair. I heard she's coming home next month.

I saw Muriel this morning before I went to school. She was with Rhandy and I told them about my dream and Muriel had a conclusion, I dreamed about Shiela because I was thinking about her. I said I wasn't, but I lied. Earlier that night, before I had the dream, I found my phone turned off, when I turned it on, I checked the call register and the first number that appeared was too long for a local number. I was sure someone out of the country was trying to reach me, the problem is -there are three possibilities. First, my halfsister, Arlene in Dubai; Second, my friend and Silversoul, Carl in Canada; and lastly, Shiela in Japan.Whoever it is, I haven't yet figured out. The number didn't call back. It's been ages since anyone of the three called me and the probabilities are all in low. But certainly I wished my third choice was the one.

I accidentally sat beside an acquaintance, Jane on my way to school. I was shocked when she told me I'm getting really thin. Not that my weight really mattered to me but just the other day someone also told me that I am turning myself into a pig. Now I'm getting confused, I just couldn't believe that I could shrink and bloat and vice versa in two days!



new beginning, new worries
Wednesday, September 29, 2004 @ 10:47 AM 0 comments

I'm the happiest guy in the world right now. Yes, I did fail Thermodynamics but I passed Mechanics which was 5 units and that's enough reason for me to be happy. Failing half of my subjects is far better than getting kicked out again. I was trembling all over as the Customer Service assistant handed me my grades this morning. I felt so numb, with cold sweats dropping all over my face. It took me about 20 minutes before I finally got the courage to look at it. Gosh! I thought it was the end of it! And I just can't explain how happy I am given another chance. The beautiful Mrs. Fausto gave me 2.5 for Circuits and Mr. Tang gave me 1.75 for Shop 2 which pulled my periodic weighted average up.

I feel so sorry for my friend, Mina though. She was kicked out so I helped make her appeal letter and I just hope it gets approved. Roy told me he's not going to school this term, he says they're kinda having financial problems again. Fuck! Why can't I be happy and see other people happy too? Oh, I saw Ranna this afternoon, too, she came up to me and sounded really concerned when she asked about my grades. It's funny that I didn't see her coming thinking I was looking her way.I literally jumped over my seat. She failed two units (damnit!) so she's forced to overload this term, coz she's graduating this December. She told me that she's found a movie which was actually the prequel for the Korean movie: My Sassy Girl. She said it was really great and I think I ought to see that. I just remembered how Julius proclaimed that it was his official favorite movie.




end of term, end of something else?
Saturday, September 25, 2004 @ 7:02 AM 0 comments

This day marks the end of our first term and we got two days before the enrollment for the second. Whew! Mapua surely doesn't care how we, students pay our fees as long as we do. It makes it really hard for our parents, specially in my case, my father doesn't work anymore. Well, that's a long story. By the way, it's really a great consolation for them to learn that I got exempted yesterday for my supposed Final exams in Circuits, how I wish that was also the case with my Thermodynamics and Mechanics which were my Major subjects.

My father surprised me last night when he gave me a thousand bucks I thought it was a joke, scared to give in, but it wasn't and I was just too happy to accept it. He said my halfsister, Arlene who is in Dubai sent it to me thru i-dunno'-how as her very belated birthday gift. I turned 21 last July. Now, with so many things to buy in my mind and my other sister, Annalyn nagging me to share it with her, i'm getting confused how to spend the money that I've decided not to touch it before the 2nd term starts on October 4.

I am just too glad the 1st term has ended, I had too much of Engr. Anastacio's and Engr. Tabalba's faces and I couldn't just stand it any minute longer. But I still keep my fingers crossed, I'm certain that Anastacio's going to flunk me but if Tabalba will do the same, I should be prepared with my fourth appeal letter. Today is the submission of the final grades in the Mechanical Engineering Department and we won't be able to see it before Monday.

Apparently, Julius was not a bit remorseful about the things he did the other night and he was mad as hell after reading my last post. He even accused me of being biased and said he was just being fair (he meant that he was getting even). He's too prepared for a word war over e-mail, and I replied over his wild bashings but I swore that would be the last time I will. I don't want to talk anymore, I know for sure where this is heading. He would never accept it that he did something wrong. I know him very well that saying sorry is even as hard as jumping over an elephant for him.





santy's first boy, my wake up call
Thursday, September 23, 2004 @ 12:08 PM 1 comments

I was elated to find out that Santy named his baby after my suggestion, I mean one of my suggestions. They named the cute little thing, Stephen Kurt, dropping the Dallas that should have been the second name I matched it with. I wanted it to match his initials with Cathy's first name, Deborah, but he thought Kurt is better.

It was a great get-together for us considering the fact that we've not seen each other more often like we used to, lately. we binged on crackers and beer the whole evening. We reminisced about the better times we had, when we were still, er, complete. Knowing that my parents were out of town, I didn't care to hurry going home. I just missed being with the group, and I was kinda having one of the best times with them when I realized that the happiness of the moment was too good to last.

Is there such a word like frontstabbing? like the opposite of backstabbing? well, if there's backstabbing there must also be frontstabbing. You know, when some person you trust betrays you, in the face, completely aware of your presence. I could've wanted if the case was really backstabbing, to save myself from the humiliation at the very moment when you were having fun. But frontstabbing is one of the worst things you could imagine.

In the middle of the fun, it happened. I don't really know how, coz I was already a bit tipsy, but it did. Mind you, how does it feel when something you don't wish to share with other people, just suddenly comes out from the very person you trust? It could've been easier for me if it was just us with the Silversoul but imagine my horror when it was addressed to someone I don't even know, in front of my face! And what makes it worse, he didn't even seem to mind I was actually hearing it! And squealing like it is a matter of amusement. It was absolutely hard, trying to have a straight face to prevent myself from spoiling the moment of fun when deep inside me, I wanted to punch him straight in the nose right then and there.

That was not the first time he did this to me, and I feel stupid thinking I let the other incidents passed. I've learned my lessons, and I did in the worst scenario I could ever think of. I swear to God at that forsaken moment that it will be the last time he'll ever gonna treat me like that, specially in front of other people. Now, I've realized one thing that I've learned long ago but always refused to believe, Julius is a mother fucking ASSHOLE.



silversoul
Monday, September 20, 2004 @ 6:27 PM 0 comments


the way we once were..
(L-R) first row: vanessa, beshe, muriel, anne, shiela
second row: me, carl, anette, santy
last row: ian, julius not in picture: donna Posted by Hello



review & finals
@ 4:31 AM 0 comments

I got almost violent reviews from my closest friends, particularly Julius,about the first entry of my journal. To him, it was very pathetic, indeed. Well, I reasoned, there's not so much to cheer about my life right now, except that Santy's girlfriend, Cathy had their first baby some time last week, I think that was September 13. I was a bit uninformed because I lend my phone to my Mom who went out of town to see my sick grandfather, her own was a little dysfunctional.So I've been killing myself for a week now having no communication with my dear friends. I took my first final exam for the term this morning, and after leaving more than half of my paper blank, I am more than certain that I'm going to fail that fucking Thermodynamics.

The Silversoul (that's how we call ourselves for seven years now) have been with me through almost everything I've gone through, and they were pretty scared as to how people will see me after my first journal entry. Personally,I think that what I have written in there is understandably not going to define my whole personality whatsoever. For an intelligent person, it is not hard to comprehend that things like that happen to every one once in their lives and it could make sense if I say that I have only written one part of my life, and I couldn't be judged by anyone just by that.

Right now, I'm trying to get myself into studying my notes. I've two more final exams for this week and I better be good because I can't afford to get kicked out again. So help me God.



to begin with..
Wednesday, September 15, 2004 @ 11:38 AM 3 comments

I have been making a total mess outta my life. Every now and then , something happens that is not according to plan and that is when I find myself back to where I have started, trying to collect myself in shatterd pieces. Everytime I tried to make something out of my wasted life, something always turns out not right and, in the end, I always find myself deserted and taken for granted by the people around me in my so called life.

It's been exactly two weeks and a day since Ranna dumped me. And until now, I haven't yet realized what went wrong. I thought we we're having good time together. I thought we're going to pull it through, but we didn't. I always had the idea that she could possibly fall in love with me too, which makes it all my fault all the more. It was just like that, after long months of being with each other, I mean, trying to persuade her to be with me- splat! end of story. I just couldn't give her the benefit of dumping me again (that was already the third time actually). But God knows how I really wanted to be with her, up to now. At that very forsaken moment, (when she did dump me, hell, again) the never-ending question about my self worth had been aroused. The things that happened to me in the past and the things that are happening to me right now have affected me deeply that it makes me feel dismal and pathetic.

Since Shiela and I broke up a year and a half ago, I always had this feeling that nobody would like to be with me anymore, though many girls have been with me after her, there's always this missing feeling that makes my relationship with them too shallow to last. Our relationship was a little too special, but it ended badly just the same. It was like finding what I've always wanted, having it, then watching it collapse before my very eyes. It was terrible, very appalling. It was something I never saw coming, something I never expected to happen but it did and it continues to happen everytime I find myself falling in love with someone new. I feel it like a curse that won't let me go.

Now it's time to move on once again. The wounds I have taken from my past have helped me become used to the process but it never made an expert out of me. It can barely even be a basis that I was really able to move on from everything I have gone through, as other people believed. It is now time for me to continue searching for my purpose of being here in this goddamned earth. Knowing what or who could have been the reason for me to be here is something I will always look forward to. In the eyes of other people, I have always been brave, calm and collected and so I will continue to be, as I go on with my life, concealing the scars of my wrecked soul.



SCARS OF MY WRECKED SOUL
Journal of Andrew Nava Trapani
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