in the middle
Shiela's boyfriend had gone mad. Rommel had run somewhere no one can tell, with Shiela's phone when she'd told him she's going home. The idea apparently angered Rommel. In the middle of the storm this holiday, she went to see me in the store and told me the story. She used my phone to contact him which only made him angrier more. He kept on saying dramatically through text message that he wouldn't be coming back to Palar (for Philippine Army Light Armor Regiment, yeah that's where we live) for as long as he live. Good riddance, I just hope he's heard of 'word of honor'. The bastard even threatened me to a fist fight (through text again) with him when I answered my
phone when he called. He said it wasn't me he wanted to talk to. He's got the nerve to say that when they're actually using my phone to communicate!? He's a total asshole! He didn't, however, reply when I told him the idea was great.
Shiela kept telling Rommel to stop his dramatic antics and that she doesn't care if he comes back or not as long as he gives her back the phone. Her mom's called and said that she's on her way to report Rommel to the police. I think it would really be nice to see him behind bars (completely no prejudice here). My pictures in Shiela's phone knack his nerves even more, he didn't like how I've got loads of pictures in there when he doesn't even have one. I went with Shiela looking for Rommel all over Palar (the both of us soaking wet, because the umbrella's too small for the two of us) and after an hour of bullshit, he finally gave where he was and Shiela asked me if she could bring my phone with her. Sure, go on.. (hell, they're actually seeing each other at my expense).
She came back earlier than I've expected, looking more relaxed. She'd already called her mom to cancel the blotter. I was surprised to see my pictures were still in there and all she told me was it was maybe because Rommel's afraid of me, I was rather convinced that he didn't know how to delete it. It was a stormy dark afternoon so we had hot noodles to keep the cold weather off and we've spent the rest of the afternoon with the most interesting conversation we've ever had since the day I've met her. Japan has obviously made a stronger person in her. Unlike before when she was so timid, she now talks openly about the things on her mind. She talked about her dreams for her family and how she wanted to help them out and give them everything she can. She's sending all her three younger brothers to school and I felt really happy for them, those kids have been close to me for a time.
She grabbed the chance to tell me what really happened two years back and compared me from Rommel. She said she loved me and she's not sure if she still does. She wasn't even sure if she loves Rommel, all she knows is she doesn't want to lose him for the timebeing. In the nature of her work, she said it's really hard to find someone who'll love her truthfully. Rommel admitted to her that she had two girlfriends aside from her when she was away which she didn't actually cared about because she had given him worse than that before. And she said that what makes Rommel different from me is that I easily gave up on her. She had another boyfriend aside from Rommel before she went to Japan but he never said a word. I, on the other hand, according to her jumped into conclusions when I saw her with another man in our time which triggered the break up. She told me how much she wanted to talk to me then but hesitated because she was convinced that I don't care for her anymore. It was awful to hear those things coming from her.
She was wrong. Because she never knew how I felt when I lost her. She never knew how I've waited for her to come back to me. She never knew that I've been waiting for her since she went to Japan though I knew I wasn't the one she'd left behind to begin with and she will never know how miserable my life had been since I
just in time
I did it once again. It had been the fourth Saturday in a row that I came home late. We went to the MYX Party in Morayta (in line with their anti-piracy campaign). We (Jules, Anne and I with her two friends from school) only stayed there for only a couple of minutes and because of the occasional stampeding of the punksters (most of the people there were), we've decided to go to Anne's place instead.
Outside Anne's house, we have been witnesses to an abduction situation. There were about six big men forcing a forty-ish Japanese man into their car. What made it horrible was the constant screams for help of the Japanese. None of us have been able to help him, of course but the way they looked in their faces, I'm sure they wanted to help him in as much as I did. It was like our feet were rooted to the ground that we weren't even able to call a police. If not for the beer we drank two hours later, I swear I could've never been able to sleep.
I arrived at home at about 5 am and I was able to rush before sunrise. I was surprised that my sister wasn't home yet, too. So I talked Lael (who opened the door for me) into telling anyone who'd ask that I got home last night. I was still reading the last chapter of the Order of the Phoenix
when I heard the gate opened outside. I hastily turned off the lamp and pretended to be asleep. From my room, I could hear my sister asking Lael to do the same thing I asked him to do for me. Then in a spun of minutes, I could hear her steps running to her own bed as the gate gave a loud cracking sound once again.
I just got hold of the 5th installment to the J.K. Rowling's famous series two days ago. HarryPotter and the Order of the Phoenix.
My Thermodynamics class ended too early so I held out my book after more than half of the class had already left and I placed myself into a corner of the room. I was already halfway through Chapter 18 when a stupid dimwit talked over my shoulder coming out of nowhere. "Mamamatay si Sirius Black dyan.."
If Ranna could've been here with me right now, she could've told me I lost the argument we had (which I talked about in my previous post). Finally, I'm surrendering myself to the unaccepted fact that Men needs Women more. I've been hitting for a serious relationship for months now, but I guess it isn't for me just yet.
Menchie and I dated for the very first time last night, even from the day she saved me from insanity from that much talked-about break up of me and Shiela barely two years ago. This time, she came again to my rescue. I'm really surprised that she still feels the same way for me despite all the things I've done to her (and the things I've failed to do for her). She's still always there whenever I needed someone and she never asked anything in return. She is such holy soul that she never had a serious boyfriend before and after me (she was serious, I wasn't). She'd devoted her love for me since she was in sixth grade when she first saw me back in Bicol while I was oblivious to her existence then.
I used that to my advantage when Shiela and I broke up, I thought that being with her would help me forget the bad things that has happened to me and she welcomed me with wide open arms, not even asking if I feel the same way for her. It sometimes strikes me how she could love me so much when I can't give her any bit of that. I'm just glad to be with her but I just couldn't get myself to love her back the way she does for me, at least. She's beautiful and kind and gentle and very loving, but somehow there is something missing.
Right now, I'm trying it all out with her again. I'll try to spend more time with her while I'm setting aside my search for true love for now for the sake of my/our happiness. I would try, in as much as I could, to give her everything I have failed to, before. I have figured that I can't wait forever for Ranna to love me back (I know, I've settled this already but somehow there's still hope in me that's left) or for Shiela to come back to me. And after all the things Menchie had suffered because of me, I know she deserves to be happy, too. And so do I, I've been alone for a long time now and I thought if I can't get someone I want then what's left for me is to settle for the one who wants me, I can't even remember how a woman's touch used to feel, hope you know what I mean (maybe, she's giving me a chance at that, hehe.. ). I just hope I'm making the right decision here.
"I'd rather be alone, than be
with a lover and feel lonely.."
-Julie Delpy, Before Sunset
Out of nowhere, I remembered that movie again. That scene when Julie Delpy gave out that line in particular. It gave me something to ponder upon. What exactly was the writer trying to say by that? Basing on the characters Ethan Hawke and Julie played on the movie, Jesse (Ethan) revealed that he was unhappy with his marriage while Celine (Julie) preffered to be away from her lover than be with him and feel lonely.
Is there something in that particular situation that we should give notice to? Was the writer trying to let us see that Men needs Women more than Women needs Men? I didn't get if the writer was a female or male but I have a feeling that she was a she or maybe the writer have a large feminine influence in him given it's a male, that is.
I remember having an argument with Ranna before about this, and she emerged the victor (as always, in our arguments). I didn't have much to defend the male gender because I couldn't think of something that would prove that we, men are of the more necessity to women than vice versa. But personally I think she was right. She never needed any man in her lifetime so far but she seemed to be very happy with her life, whereas I am needing a woman right now (to love and be loved by) and I feel miserable for that.
home without my underwear
We've been looking forward to November 20 since Jules told us about the Launching Party of the AMP(Addict Mobile Prepaid) at the new Smart Connections building beside the CSB. We went there two hours late than the time given in the tickets only to find out that it hasn't started yet. It was so disappointing and even the place didn't seem to give any hint that a party is actually about to happen. Realizing that it wasn't the place for us, we started texting other friends for a possible detour. Among the options were my former girlfriends, Shiela and Menchie.
We walked all the way from La Salle to the CCP, while waiting for anyone to reply. We basically didn't know where exactly to go. Upon reaching Figaro which was adjacent to the CCP building, we received a message from Shiela, telling us that she's already in Baywalk (we told her we were there) so we started another long walk, this time along Roxas Boulevard, to go to where Shiela said she was. It was very reminiscent of last Saturday when Jules and I walked the same path, heading to the same place, but on the opposite side of the road to meet Shiela and Donna. (We came from Roy's, a high school friend, birthday treat then). So after another couple of minutes, we arrived at the Baywalk only to find out that Shiela can't meet us there, she said she was with a 'friend' (Jules and I knew exactly what she meant by that) that she can't leave alone and that I reckon she would never dare let me see. We were too exhausted and too disappointed. If only they knew where Shiela was, they'd surely barged in wherever it was and get her. But of course, nobody knew where she was except again for Jules and I. Donna will be dead if Shiela finds out we knew where she was.
I could see through their faces that in any minute someone will be asking to go home. The night was turning out not so good and really far from what we've expected. Even Baywalk seemed lifeless, the glory it once had when it opened seemed to have left it on that particular night. The beer prices were in an all-time high but we had a solution: To save money, Anette and his boyfriend Marvin(who proved to be such a nice fella') went to one of those umbrellas and ordered beer for themselves while the rest of the boys (including me) went to the 7-11 nearby and bought some beer and drinks for ourselves. Going back, we passed by them and pretended that we met by accident and they invited us to join them. We're a bunch of actors, y'know.
Headlong into midnight, I remembered Mench telling me that her Ate Shiela (what a very nice name) will be out to Singapore from this date and that only means that she and another girl cousin will be left alone in the house. I texted her and asked if we could go there. I ignored the notion that just the other day she told me she's gonna let go of me now, she said she'd realized that I could never really fall in love with a girl like her. Sob. At first she seemed truly reluctant but then after a few sweet-nothings, she finally gave us the go signal. We finished our beers and the tasty sisig
Anette ordered, then we headed to the Robinsons Place Residences at Padre Faura street and started off to a night of a totally new experience.
Five minutes past twelve at the reception, I gave the guard the room number and imagine my horror when he told me that the person we were looking for was not yet there. Turned out that Mench was still on her way home from work while we were texting each other. Her other cousin, Ederlyn, told me so. She went down to the looby to see us then went quickly outside the building. After a few minutes, she came back now with Mench and with a bagful of beers and chips. In the elevator, I had the forced obligation to introduce them to each other, it would be very awkward for us to reach their floor without them knowing each other's names. Good thing I never had a hard time mixing strangers up.
Thirty-sixth floor. It seemed to be the highest floor in any building I have ever been in my entire life and I think, by the way they looked, same goes for the rest of us. Upon entering the room, I remembered Ranna always wanted to have a condo unit just like it, but in New York then I realized she wouldn't be needing to go farther than Manila just to enjoy the thrill of being/living up above. The unit was a lot better from their previous condominium in Legazpi Towers. Every room offers a spectacular view of the Metropolitan Manila (except, of course for the bathrooms). Everything outside seemed to be like a large diorama. The buildings looked like miniature figures and the jeepneys were like toy cars, er, toy jeepneys (for that matter). After another series of introduction, everything seemed to be going on smoothly, they were talking together as if they've known each other since birth, then Santy started flirting with Eds (yes, your guess is very much as good as mine. I smell trouble) Ian made a fleeting fighting act with his sister, Anette (which scared the hell out of Eds) while having another round of beer before we headed to the night's (morning, I mean) ultimate climax.
We went down to the seventh floor to check out the swimming pool. It was soooo cool. They've got almost everything! Theyv'e got a jacuzzi, a large pool, a baby pool and billiard stations and a gym around the corner. We were extremely tempted by the beautiful sight so we went swimming at two am in the morning, not minding the cold, so to speak and with only our underwears on (thus, the title). Everyone knows swimming has always been a favorite to all of us.
After an hour, we headed back to their room, we used the back elevator because we thought it didn't have a camera, but it did. Some of us were half naked only draped in bath towels and we couldn't help to imagine the people at the reception laughing at us. Back up there, I had the chance to have time alone with Mench. I could see that she's not mad at me anymore albeit she was still very edgy. I followed her to her room and locked the door behind me. I was wearing nothing except for the towel in the lower part of my body when we began kissing (while checking if Eds was getting inside the house, she was with Santy out in the terrace.. tsk. tsk. join me in wondering what will she do if she finds out that Santy's uhm, very much attached already) then in the middle of it, she stopped and she began to be emotional. She told me we can't go on like this, she said she wants me to be commited to her and she wants me to say 'the-three-words'. But I can't. I know I've been unfair to her before and I know it wouldn't be any good to tell her the things I don't really feel. I just told her I'm happy being with her, which in fact is true before we saw from the window that Eds and Santy were already going inside the house so we had to hurry to get to the living room.
After I took a shower, Eds told me in a very kind manner that we could not stay there until morning (she must've been surprised that none of us seemed to be preparing to leave, Santy was even proposing for a Spin-the-Bottle game). But we genuinely understood. I figured it would come as a shock to them that we do sleep-overs in a somewhat regular basis. She said she was afraid her sister (Ate Shiela) might find out from the guards, when she comes back. She made sure that she really had fun being with us. So after we had our coffee, we bade them goodbye with Eds' promise that we can come back anytime but in an earlier time of day, hopefully.
Ever felt unimportant and unwanted? Like you think the whole freaking world is pushing you aside? Man, Isn't so frustrating that the very same world that gives us happiness can also give us excruciating pain and sorrow? Maybe my suicidal nature has been working lately, you may say, but it just occured to me that a hospital bed is the next best thing to your own wake for that badly needed attention you don't seem to get.
C'mon. Let's face it. Most often than not, those people who committed suicide wanted nothing more than enough attention. Too bad they had to kill themselves just to make others realize that. All they really wanted is to make out their point and I don't think they did really want to kill themselves, it's just that maybe they weren't in the proper state of mind. They could have ventured on doing something as painful but less remorseful like the one I'm thinking right now.
Call me insane, but I've been thinking about this since the other night. I made my own suicidal pointers. I'm not sure if this could be of help to anyone in particular, but maybe at least it could give more hope to those suicidal people in having a chance to make out their point. Now, here goes..
First up you've got to be sure how you would want to do it. In my opinion, the best would be the traditional cutting off your wrist. I've been hearing cases from my mom's patients who drank a glassful of muriatic acid and who fortunately survived- less their tounge and tonsils and their ability to talk. I think it's also stupid to jump from a building. There'd be no chance for survival and it would be ridiculous to change your mind on your way down. Now here are my tips on committing suicide but not actually killing yourself.
1. Be sure that your medium would be safe. Whether it be a kitchen knife or a razor, be sure it's stainless or rustproof. If you don't want to die from suicide, I'm sure you wouldn't want to die of tetanus either.
2. Pick the best crime scene. It's ideal if you do it in your own house. Avoid private places specially your own room nor a public domain like a living room, that would be too conspicous and for sure you'd be needing more time alone. You might also like to say some rituals before you do it. Do it in a place that is always available, but most people frequently visits. (Read:Bathroom)
3. Choose the time when the other occupants of the house would more likely visit the bathroom. Do it before sunrise. Avoid the wee hours of the morning. You might be dead already before anyone finds your body. If you live in a house that most people wake up late, do it at least an hour before. Say if they wake up at 12 noon, do it at 11 am.
4. Be sure someone else is in the house when you do it.
5. Don't make a suicidal note. That's too dramatic and it would only make you feel like a moron if you survive.
6. Eat first before you do it. You'll be needing energy if worse comes to worst.
7. Unlock the door to the bathroom. Be sure that the knob is within your better arm's reach.
8. Look at your face in the mirror before getting to it. Ask yourself if you really want to look like that when they rush you to the hospital.
9. If and when you're on the verge of changing your mind, use a blade or razor instead of a kitchen knife. It'd be hard to explain it to be an accident when you're with a kitchen knife in the bathroom. This turn would make you also end up in the hospital bed but with less benefits (of course, you'd have no reason to blackmail them). You'd also have a hard time explaining to them but not be able to make you point out what's really on your mind. And worse, you would be assuring them of your stupidity.
10. Wear a watch. It would be important to know how long you'd been bleeding yourself. Of course, you wouldn't want to bleed yourself dry.
11. If your rescue comes too early then expected, act unconscious. If you can, sleep. Because in a matter of hours you'd wish you are really asleep. I don't think they give anesthesia for these cases and that would really be painful.
12. If you think your nearing death and no one yet has arrived, collect your last string of energy. Keep your arms up and run (if you still can) to where the nearest occupant of the house is and show to his face what you have just done to yourself. If that doesn't work, go back to the bathroom and cut your other wrist and this time be sure its fatal. No one loves you.
If your act has been succesful, you'd be rewarded with the luxury of getting what you want. Not to say you'll have the extraordinary edge to curse all the people who have treated you unkindly in the past, they won't dare curse you back. Not while your in the hospital bed, at least. You will have the power to make them feel guilty for overseeing your existence. And most of all, it will make you feel really important. (Honestly, I don't think anyone should go as far as committing suicide just to feel important but hey, this list was intended for those who has wild suicidal nature, remember?)
If ever your suicide turns out bad, or if you almost had a flat line because of these pointers, never drag this post of mine to your mess or anything to that matter. I tell you, you'll see the real face of death if you do so. I'm out!
The Da Vinci Code movie
I heard in the news today that film director, Ron Howard and producer, Brian Grazer, the very same people behind one of my favorite movies, A Beautiful Mind, are pegging Tom Hanks to play the lead role in the much anticipated movie adaptation of the best-selling novel, The Da Vinci Code. They said that Tom Hanks is best fitting to play Robert Langdon because of the cerebral nature of Dan Brown's masterpiece.
Seems like this is something Ranna and I have to look forward to. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't dare miss it for anything in this world.
No, it wasn't the most succesful attempt I may say. But being with the primary frontrunners of my barkada, Silversoul again, brought us once and again to how we once were. And it's not only about rekindling the past but also creating new memories in a completely different set-up and a different crowd.
Anette's invitation called for another hope for the fading communication between all of us. It gave us a chance to escape from the things we are now preoccupied with and have some good time again together. Although only half of the expected people were available and have managed to come, it didn't stop us from enjoying the evening.
As usual, many of us (including me) came late. Even Anette's rantings about the latecomers faded as we went through the night. The reserved VIP slot was cancelled so some of us played billiards, while others engaged into a conversation as we wait the next available KTV room. At about 8:30, we already have our room and Shiela started belting out high pitched songs. We had more than a dozen of beer, exchanged our share of talents, chatted to hell and joked around each other before we finally called it a night at almost half past twelve.
As we went out, nobody seemed to want to go home yet. So after we hailed a taxi for Anette and her boyfriend, Marvin,- Shiela, Muriel, Santy, Jules and I went to Jules' house for a very unplanned sleep over. That was one of the things I miss most being with them, those sleepovers that we used to do and mind you, we do it collectively! as in -in packs!
We settled for the living room, as usual. We had our very late dinner, watched our own videos together before we finally slept. Or if they were really able to sleep. I layed myself between Shiela and Muriel. And maybe that explains why I wasn't able to sleep properly. Being beside my ex, who used to sleep beside me in my room once in my life set my hormones extremely wild. Now, now too much for that. I'm trying not to emulate Xerex Xaviera here.
Next day, after having lunch, we went to Santy's house to celebrate his son's 2nd Month. We watched porn videos (which was not really intentional) over chocolate cake while we wait for his wife, Cathy. We were too excited to be together again that I've been hearing them making plans about going to Cebu anytime on December before Shiela goes back to Japan. Holy Cow. I think they want me kicked out again. I've classes everyday!
We have evolved into different persons now. Finally, we're learning the basics of life. We're living different lives now but we never fail to remember. We are dealing with our life's constant changes and we're learning to accept that changes will forever be part of history and that makes us vulnerable to it. We can never get back to where we once was, all we can do is to remember. We can never tell what the future holds for every one of us, all we can do is wait.
In the soft light through the window, its shape is clear.
The breeze carries its scent. Now, for you. She is still but
a nameless, new kind of orchid.
- printed in the wrapper of a Japanese condom
Shiela gave me.
A miracle can truly happen. Anette called in the Silversoul. She invited us to have some beer over KTV this Friday night and everyone had confirmed to be coming over. Except of course to the new moms and Carl. Welll let's see what happens next.
a long day
Yes, it was indeed. I had to wake up early today. Ranna told me her phone got stolen (another lost phone?) last saturday. And she had to replace it before her family finds out. She asked me to come with her to Greenhills this morning and that explains why I'm already up at 7am when I'm usually still lost in dreamland at that particular time.
She wanted us to meet at 8am but I settled it at 8:30 and I came 45 minutes late. She wanted to use the time for her OJT so her family won't have a suspicion that she's going somewhere else when she's supposed to be at work. Smart girl. We rode the bus from Guadalupe, then to Greenhills. Then, we realized we were too early. The Muslim-inhabited mall was still closed for customers when we arrived so we decided to have breakfast first at the McDonald's outside the commercial center. Then the endless discussion began about anything under the sun over McOmellette and Milo. God, I missed her. I haven't realized until now that it was the first time I've been out with her again since well, she dumped me.
At around 10, the mall opened so we went directly inside to where the cellphone stalls where. None of them were opened yet so we took the chance to go around and check things out. We went to this girl shop and she tried on some sunglasses and asked me which one looked in her best. Honestly, I think all those glasses fit her well. I just didn't tell her. I told her the purple one -was it purple? was my choice. Next up we went to this tie store and we compared our choices for the best looking tie.
After one hour, we went back to the cellphone stalls but they are still closed. I was getting doubtful so I asked this man in a sort of counterstrike suit holding a police dog with a rope, why those stalls were stilll closed. He told us they were pulled out just a day before. Aaaargh!
From there, we took the bus to school. We hurried (no, we didn't really) for my 12:00 class. She told me she'll buy it herself instead in Grand Central on the next day. She asked me if I could change her 1000 Japanese yen she got from her dad, for her. She will add the money to her savings for her to pay her tuition fees. She's gonna be using the supposed payment for the tuition to buy the phone. Later, my mom saw the Japanese bill. She thought it was from Shiela. Funny.
In the afternoon I received a text message from another of my exes, Menchie. (Omigosh! I'm surrounded!) She said she'll be going to my school coz she wanted to see me. The way she told me, it seemed I had no choice coz she's already on her way. She says she misses me. We had a little chitchat about things I'd personally rather not talk about. She talked about things like what might've been if only I really loved her. blah blah blah. Jesus. So there, I played around with her until the clock at the Manila City Hall striked eight. Then I had the forced obligation to take her to her home. They just moved in to the new condominium at the Robinson's Towers*. Upon arriving there, I think she didn't really want me to go home. She kept on talking, ok, we kept on talking. Just like that. Ok, sige, a little more than that. After another hour, she finally allowed me to go home. It's odd. I actually had fun spending my time with her.
In a span of 18 hours, I had the chance to be with two different people, from completely different statures and wavelength. Ranna is from the city. Menchie is a country girl. She's here in Manila to work for her family in Bicol. Ranna on the other hand, is a proffesional student, with barely two months to finish college and soon to embark on the corporate world. Menchie's fate is rather uncertain. She's sending her siblings to school with no idea of what would happen to her when she's done with her obligations.
Being in a middle class family, I have the occasional chance to relate with people in different walks of life. I'm just glad I have the ability of adjusting myself to every person I encounter.
"Remember what the monty phyton says,
Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition"
Ranna - THE BEAM, Dec 2004
*this may sound a little of an irregularity on the narrative of my post. A country girl in a first class condominium? well, here it is: Filipinos are known for having extended families in one roof. In Menchie's case, she lives with her cousins.
It's really funny how some things that happen in our lives can be like scenes from a movie. I woke up really late today. I found Mama cooking for lunch. I know she hasn't forgotten yet what she'd seen last night so I began helping her with the vegetables and started trying to cheer her up. I was trying to get her into a conversation so I can be sure she's not mad at me. But in vain. She answered all my questions dismissively. While I was industriously preparing the table for lunch, and in my last attempt, I asked her mindlessly: "Ma, anong date ngayon?" (ma, what date is today?) , "Seven." "Seven?" I repeated... Suddenly, my subconscious mind was awakened and it has taken me somewhere. It was like memories were flashing back through my very eyes. The neurons in my head had begun working faster.. It was the longest three seconds of my life.Then all of a sudden, as if on cue, the Divine Providence sent exactly who I was actually thinking about.
"Kuya, may naghahanap sa'yo!" (someone's looking for you! )Lael's voice came from outside the house. On impulse, I went to my room to get my cap and ran to the gate but no one was there. My fingers were beginning to get numb. I went outside and stood in the middle of the street, but I see no one. "Kilala mo?", ( you know who it was?)"Hindi, pero parang nakita ko na sya." (no, but i think i've seen her before) I'm not really sure, but for some reason, my body's shaking. I could feel myself trembling. What's going on with me? It's as if my body's acting impulsively on something I wasn't even sure. Slowly, I began to walk back the front door. Then I heard a familiar voice calling me.
Holy shit. My instinct was strangely right. Shiela is back. I just couldn't believe it. This is crazy. How in the world did I do that? Since I heard that 'seven', her face was the first thing that registered in my mind. And the cap? I wouldn't be running to my room just to get it before I face a visitor coz I don't usually mind my hair getting caught in a bad shape by anyone. Not anymore, at least. That was something I used to do when I was younger, two years ago specifically, and this was the first time Shiela came in my house since we broke up in December 2002, (though her family moved in Cavite just this year) which was two years ago. It was totally odd, really mysterious. I mean, this has never happened to me before and man, I couldn't possibly have a third eye, right? Yeah. that would be ridiculous.
So there she was, and am I so happy to see her again. She said she'd arrived on Friday from Japan. Two days earlier than I've expected. She sat with us at the dinner table though she said she already had lunch. And I still can't stop feeling uncomfortable. I couldn't look at her directly and with my Mama between us, I wasn't really sure what to say. I don't really know, but I wasn't able to eat properly coz she was facing me and my spoon and fork were shaking. Then in one fleeting moment I had the chance to look at her in the eye and I didn't fail to notice that aside from her loud brown hair and her make up and the way she's dressed up, nothing's really changed in her. She's still beautiful.
She said that she wanted to see Donna (Muriel's out of town, her family's busy because her cousin, Angelito Nayan, had been held hostage in Afghanistan) but she just learned she's already working. I told her I can take her to where Donna works before I go to school. She said she and Rommel stopped contacting each other. I doubt.
After lunch, she left. She said she'll get some money from her relative who lives nearby. She asked me to see her there. I was looking at her as she walked away. Damn. She's gotten a nicer butt. Again in my life, I began imagining how the things might go today with her. I've been thinking already were I might take her. It's been so long since we've been alone together. I was actually getting ready to consider not going to school today. But I kept telling myself to be careful and not to expect anything much. But I couldn't ignore the fact that one thing still remains to be seen and one thing still remains to be true, until now: Of all the girlfriends I had before, she's still the one I missed most.
About twenty minutes later, as I was just about to take a bath, she texted me. She apologized, she said I don't need to take her anymore because she's somewhere else and she said she missed me. I didn't bother asking her, because I think I know exactly where she was. All I managed to say was; 'i missed you too.' Then, as if again on cue, the 29th song on the Magic 89.9FM Countdown played on the background. I miss you by Boyz II Men. (in perfect timing) Great.
Shiela and I (with a cap. see?) in 2002
"Everytime I fall in love, and my heart gets damaged, I never
really fully recover.. That's why I get careful to be involved.."
-Julie Delpy, Before Sunset
*the translations were provided for the benefit of my friend, Andrew John Trapani (yes, we have the same name) from Sta. Cruz, California.
unlucky night out
I've been outdoors since Friday, and this is the first time I get to see my room since. I scattered all over Metro Manila with Bon and John Rae until today. After our class last Friday, where I was supposed to do my reporting but the professor decided to go to the 2nd leg of the report directly, Bon asked me if it would be ok with me if I wait for him 'til 9 pm that night. He's got two passes for The Basement
in Eastwood City. I agreed to come but refused to wait until nine pm. So we settled it at eight.
Killing time, I went to the nearest computer shop, which was at the 2nd floor of the building behind the school which belonged to Apple's (my ex-girlfriend) family, to check my e-mail and my friendster account. I logged out at about 7:30pm then decided to go somewhere else. I found Apple downstairs and we had a little conversation over chocolate crinkles and cigarrettes. After 30 minutes of playing around with her, I headed for the bank beside the school were Bon and I agreed to meet. And finally, after another 30 minutes and 10 sticks of Marlboro Lights, he came.
First stop: Anne's house, Espana: around 9 pm
I left my calculator in Anne's bag the last time, so I had to go there. And with Anne having a crush on Bon and vice versa, the two were excited to see each other. We had iced tea and watched tv for awhile because we're waiting for John Rae to come home. We've been calling him since we arrived but he wasn't there. Then Louie came, one of Anne's two boyfriends, which also happened to be one of our friends in school. Obviously, they met through me. It was very apparent that he had insecurity problems. He'd act differently everytime Anne would get near me or Bon. He even asked Anne why she had to wear a spaghetti strapped shirt.
Second stop: Bon's House, UP Diliman: around 11 pm
I was welcomed graciously by his two monsters, Gabby and Cholo, a Labrador and a Pitbull respectively. They kept licking me, I was afraid Cholo seemed to want to rip my arm off. It's definitely not aware of his own size. It kept pushing me. While Bon's taking a shower, I ate empanada
with the two dogs for company. We called his friend for the passes, but he said it were gone in the car with his sister. whatdowedonow? Good thing I had my own money.
Third stop: John Rae's House: Amorsolo, UP: 12 pm
JR hasn't taken a bath yet. I received a text message from Anne, telling me that she had a fight with Louie. Apparently, he really got jealous with Bon. She asked us to call her and we did as we waited for John Rae to get dressed. He didn't mind taking a bath. A little later, Tony, their friend, arrived with his Honda Civic.
Fourth stop: Metrowalk, QC: 12:30 pm
We were trying to get Bon off from Eastwood because Eloi, his legitimate girlfriend might be there. But Decades
here was a little too crowded so we had no choice but to go somewhere else.
Fifth stop: Blue Onion, Eastwood City: 1:00 am
The faggot didn't want to go in The Basement
so we had to settle for Blue Onion
. The music was good. So was the place, but the crowd was a little off. Perhaps, it was because of the rain that not so many people were there. After almost 3 rounds of beer, we've decided to go to the Decades
in Timog. I texted Shane because that was their usual gimik place, but she was in Roy's house in Rizal.
Sixth stop: Decades, Timog QC: 3:00 am
Tony didn't want Decades
either. I'm not sure if he was really like that but Bon said he was better if Don is there. Tony was hitting for him. Tony said he'd have to leave for China on sunday. I'm not sure what he does for a living, he seemed to be rich, but quite stingy. So basically, he just dropped us off and left. If Blue Onion
was lacking crowd, Decades
was lacking space. Every corner is literally packed. I saw this pretty girl dancing, she looked really great, I even asked Bon to check her out. She was wearing a sexy black dress, which I'm not sure how to describe. We squeezed our way into the crowd, with bottles of beer in our hands, and danced along with them. It was too late for me to notice that the Black girl was already dancing in front of me. I was looking the other way. It's not until Bon nudged me, "Pare, harapan mo na 'yan!" that I realized what I've been missing out. She's dancing like a temptress and she's really pretty. Then, she smiled at me so I smiled back but just as I was about to speak, a mother fucking asshole came from behind her. Then they began talking. They seemed to know each other. I heard they were next door neighbors. That's when I've realized that the place is starting to clear out. Then we saw the Black girl leaving, too with the fucking guy and their friends. Hell, another lost chance.
Seventh stop: Irene's place, Intramuros, Manila: nearing 5 am
We had nowhere to go. JR's bro is gonna kill him 'coz they agreed he'll be home before two. And we can't stay in Bon's place because his Mom will get mad. And not in my house either! There's no way I can let my parents see me in this state. Our last chance was Irene's place. It took me that long not to see those guys and I never realized I'll gonna be needing that place again. Yeah, swallow pride. I thought I'd finally get a chance on Irene but she's got company. A guy, she said she'd met in the same place we were from. And a guy which is also familiar to me, Raffy. We were from the same batch and the same high school. Small world. I woke up at eleven am. Irene and that guy Raffy left at nine according to JR who was with me there. Bon stayed at Rem, his uhm-you know.
Eight stop: My house, Makati City: 1:30 pm
I asked them to go with me because my parents still have no clue where I was the whole time I was supposed to be home. I had to have a proof for the reason I have in mind. No one was there except for my cousin, Lael. My mother was at work and my father was in the store. I asked Lael to cook rice while we go see Papa. We told him we had to do our power point presentation. Bad bad bad. We went back home and JR cooked for us. Corned beef with eggs. We haven't realized until then that that's the first time we're gonna have a decent meal since last night. We tried to hurry (but failed) because JR and I still got class at 3.
Ninth stop: Back at Bon's house, UP: 5 pm
Yes. We didn't go to school after all. We realized we were too late. After a little explaining to his mother, we watched DVD: Troy.
But I wasn't able to finish it because Bon asked me to come with him take a television at Rem's dorm. Leaving JR there, he called for a taxi and off we went. Upon arriving I felt really hungry so I went to 664 and had my dinner leaving Bon at the dorm. When I got back no one's answering my knock so I went home.
Nobody's home. The light's were all off. I went to the store, gave another run of my lies to my mom, took the key and went home. After dinner, I was feeling really tired. I left all my books on top of the dinner table then my mom came. I was attending to a text message that I haven't noticed I left some cigarrette sticks with my books. "Naninigarilyo ka ba?"
, "Hindi! kailangan ko po yan! Gagawa kasi kong sulat."
Liar. liar. liar "Kalokohan!"
I know she didn't believe me. Though she know I'd really do some love letters and roll it in a cigarette stick when I was younger. I'm sorry Ma. She's really health conscious, you know. For Christ's sake, she's a nurse.
in quezon on may 2004
the latest silversoul group pic..
look for the missing faces..
Ethan Hawke plays Jesse Wallace with Julie Delpy as Celine in this
neurotic Before Sunrise sequel.
ranna & celine
Once again, I've had another failure. My reporting about Water Pollution didn't turn out as expected. To think that I prepared for that the whole weekend! Something was wrong with the fucking computer and we didn't have much time to replace it. So I had to do it without any visual aid, forcibly. And they had to depend on everything I said. I'm not even sure if they really understood what I talked about coz I felt really stupid and with Bon's funny faces distracting me, I think I made a complete fool out of myself. After the second reporter, I think the professor had had enough and asked our group to report again on Friday, back from the start and hopefully with the visual aids. Fuck.
After class I didn't feel like going home yet and earlier today I got the results for my 1st Thermodynamics quiz. No surprise. I got zero out of a hundred without any considerations to the long calculations I made that eventually ended up with the wrong answers. Feeling that my efforts were completely and deliberately ignored regarding my studies, I thought I had to break away from all of it for a while. I went to the mall and bought a new perfume, because my sister took back my Gaultier and after that huge fight between us last night (the biggest since that incident when I stabbed her in the thigh with my pencil in grade school, No.. I'm not violent but she'd really pushed me over the edge then), I know there's no way I could have it back. Then I passed by a poster of this new Katie Holmes starrer, First Daughter
. Everyone close to me knows very well how I really liked her from the moment I saw her in the first season of Dawson's Creek
, and so I glanced at my watch, it was only a few minutes before 6:30pm so I've decided to go see it. But when I checked the screening schedule, I'd still have to wait 45 mins before the next run of the movie starts so I tried to look for another one with an earlier schedule. I had two options: The Forgotten
and Before Sunset.
I opted for the latter since it will start 15 minutes earlier than the first. It wasn't the kind of movie I expected it to be.
One thing I've noticed is that the movie was very well-written. The usual mushy elements in a love story movie were totally discarded. It doesn't have those poetic lines of love and affection. I don't even think that the famous phrase: 'I love you' was included in the script. Yet the movie was good. The audience bursted out into laughter and giggles, me included, when the it ended. I don't know if they're also wondering if it really had to end there but I'm sure they liked it, too in as much as I did. I think I want to get a copy of that song the lead female sang in the last scene.
I'm not really sure what I exactly liked about it, to think it's an all-talk movie (you can actually understand the movie with your eyes closed!) but what really got to me was that the movie in general reminded me of someone really special to me.. Ranna. There were many elements in the movie about Celine (the lead character in the movie played by Julie Delpy) and the movie itself that reminded me of her. Especially when Celine said that there's so many things she wanted to do in life like paint, learn to speak Chinese, create songs and play the guitar but always end up doing not much. I reckon Ranna gave a similar line a long time ago. Well in her case, she said she wants to ride a helicopter and a hot air balloon to name a few.The bench, the journal, the books, New York, the endless walk and the endless talk in the movie brought me to those memories I had with her.
*Disclaimer: I am not posting this to get Ranna or to try to get her again, I know now where I stand and she made that clear to me already too many times. I just want to let her know that I never really left her and she was never really forgotten. That's a hard thing for me to do to an exceptionally wonderful woman like her.
It's been a long time since my last post. Been into so many things since the new term started. We are on the fifth week of the supposed 11-week term. Now, my three-day Halloween break is about to end and I am getting ready for my report on Wednesday about Water Pollution for my Environmental Sciences class.
This term has started with a very hectic schedule. I get to see the school seven times a week for the first time since I was in freshmen in Mapua(when I had ROTC for Sundays). I had little problems with my abolished sections but I have been able to avoid the terror professors luckily. I was given the most favored professors in the Department Of Mechanical Engineering except for Engr. Ebojo for my AC/DC class, who was from the Electrical Engineering Department and was very boring.
I've been really enjoying my Envi class. We got the best professor in ME, Engr. Kim Ramos. He's a very intelligent man, a very well-spoken person and very notable for his interesting way of teaching. I remember on the first day of classes, he gave a very remarkable comparison between men and women. Catching some male students chatting at the back of the room while he was lecturing, he pointed out that only women can multitask, men can't. So he said he was sure when he hear men talk, they just talk. Women on the other hand, has this extraordinary ability that they can talk over the phone, iron the clothes, take care of the baby and holler at you all at the same time, which I think is so true.
On the second week, I found myself a new place to stay during my vacant hours and after classes, Irene's (Shane's friend) place at the back of the school. At first, it was really cool. We would have dinner together with Shane and Roy (who would often come over) every night which is basically the reason why I'm getting fat, I had to eat dinner twice each night because Irene's sister, Maricar gets mad if we don't eat dinner there. We were like one hell of a family, we would share house chores (the cleaning & refilling of the water containers) and stay there until midnight or sometimes stay there for the night. I brought flowers (as my share to decorate the room) and a Mapua school ad which I stole from one of the classrooms behind the gym, with Mina's help as my lookout(btw, her readmission appeal was approved). The two of us were the ones behind those missing ads in all those classrooms.
I thought I was beginning to like Irene then. she loves to cook which is one thing I want in a girl most, and she's got a wacky sense of humor. There was one time, I gave her an intimate bare back massage and I found out she's got really nice skin and her body's steaming hot! With only the dim light filling the room, I was on top of her body getting a good view of her naked back and a little bit of something, we were on top of her double deck. Too bad, it didn't get any farther than that. I was feeling a bit naughty but I just couldn't dare do anything nasty with Shane and Maricar on the lower part of the other double deck. Aaaargh!! Stupid me.
I stopped going there because one night Roy came, about two days after Shane broke up with him on the phone, and I overheard Irene telling him, (I was -they thought- sleeping) while he was refilling the water containers with purified water that I can never do that. She said I was useless unlike him and they both gave out a wide giggle. I know it was intended as a joke because that wasn't true but it didn't sound really nice. I don't get really annoyed easily but I can get really sensitive with such things. Then with Roy's rough attitude towards me after dinner that night, I knew I have no reason to go back there.
Since then, Ive been officially on my own, whether in school or outside. Though I see Bon in my last class every MWF, we don't get together as much because he's still got class after that and having his stupid mistress around, I'd rather be by myself.
Right now, I've been dealing with my life's drastic changes. This year had given me too many a such. Firstly, I've been single for the longest time in my life (real relationships, i mean) since I was 13. Then my defeat last April in the Mr. Southside-Makati made me realize that I am not as good as many people believed. Then the Silversoul splitting into twelve. Can you imagine that? composed of 12, splitting into twelve? Yep, we're basically having our own lives now, the twelve of us. I admire Muriel's optimism when she told me that she feels positive we'd be complete again someday. Anette's been really busy with her new beau. Ian's graduating high school, finally. Donna's got a new job as a sales clerk at SM Bicutan. Vanessa and Beshe's currently enjoying breastfeeding their respective babies and Santy's working and studying doubly hard for his. Carl- god know's what he's up to in Canada. Shiela-heard she's coming back on the seventh of November. Anne's juggling her schedule over school and her two boylettes and finally, Julius seems not to be running out of ideas for a seemingly impossible reunion.
He was a bit succesful though, in his latest attempt,(Yes, we've finally settled the things between the two of us) we went to SMB Oktoberfest Closing Party last October 30, with his phone as the price he had to pay, he lost it in the middle of the raging crowd. Though we faced once and again Ian and Anette's usual begging off excuses and Donna and Muriel's absence, Santy, Jules, Anne and I had a great time. Succesful, because we actually enjoyed the night though we weren't able to get any beer (could you believe that?) I felt the feeling of having real friends again which was lost somewhere in the previous occasions we were together. Maybe we're finally growing up and we're beginning to realize that we can never really be complete, full 12 forever.