proving them wrong
From day one, I have been constantly questioned about my relationship with Timmy by other people and honestly, though I fully understand why, I can't help but feel hurt. What makes it more hurtful is that sometimes these words are from those people I trusted to understand me, these are people who I consider my friends. I'd like to believe I wasn't wrong in that respect.
I remember meeting with Jules' ex, Vanessa a few weeks ago, who bombarded me with uncomfortable questions as soon as Timmy went out of sight. She was roughly adamant in saying that our relationship is never to last. She said she know very too well the kind of women I want. She said she knows me to be the type of guy who goes out with women I can just 'display'. She, with the help of Ian, implied that while Timmy could be pretty, she was not someone I would most probably end up with.
I knew very well what their talking about. Does it really seem impossible for me to love someone who's five years my senior and with two kids of her own? For Christ's sake, Demi Moore had three!
Vanessa's tactlessness and being opinionated is a common knowledge, but I think this is the first time I hadn't answered her usual flair of uneasy questions with yes, ease. It seemed totally pointless for me to defend myself when she already had her verdict. Anette, who was witness to the interrogation seemed to have sensed the tension in my answers that she thankfully, asked if we could leave already.
I know it is not my obligation to explain myself to everyone. But I somehow feel the need to prove these people wrong. But how do someone who have already been sentenced prove himself to be innocent? I know that in my situation it is really easy for anyone to judge me, it is very easy not to give me the benefit of the doubt and it is really easy to conclude what's going on in my mind. It makes me feel like a murder suspect deprived of the due process of law.
Last Monday, Timmy's mother arrived from Saudi Arabia. We have been introduced during Chzny's birthday exactly a week ago, November 15. I was actually expecting worse in our meeting than what had actually happened. She talked to me in motherly fashion and blurted out her own frustrations. I perfectly understand where she's coming from. I know for someone like her it's no longer easy to trust someone like me. And I know that just like with everyone else, my intentions have been put again in question. I feel really bad that she was feeling that way because of me. I seemed to have been unable to say anything but nod, because I believed in everything she said, at this point Timmy needs someone that is not exactly like me. Timmy needs someone who can secure her and her children's future, someone who can provide for them and assure them of a family with permanence and intransience, and someone the kids can call their 'Dad'. I know that that
someone is not me just yet.
Timmy's mother never really said that she didn't like me but she made it clear that she could've preferred me not to be there which somehow have hurt me just the same. I think proving my intentions to her is the biggest test my relationship with Timmy will have to go through so far.
And for the future, I gave Mama a hypothetical question yesterday. A neighbor is going out with a guy who is not legally separated and has two kids. I asked her if she would allow me to be in a similar situation, say my girlfriend had her own kids. With a crumpled brow and a slight shake of her head, she said: "Marami namang dalaga dyan."
I reiterated by asking if she were never married, she said she doesn't consider someone with kids to be a "dalaga".
It is indeed a long way to go.