to begin with..
Wednesday, September 15, 2004 @ 11:38 AM 3 comments
I have been making a total mess outta my life. Every now and then , something happens that is not according to plan and that is when I find myself back to where I have started, trying to collect myself in shatterd pieces. Everytime I tried to make something out of my wasted life, something always turns out not right and, in the end, I always find myself deserted and taken for granted by the people around me in my so called life.
It's been exactly two weeks and a day since Ranna dumped me. And until now, I haven't yet realized what went wrong. I thought we we're having good time together. I thought we're going to pull it through, but we didn't. I always had the idea that she could possibly fall in love with me too, which makes it all my fault all the more. It was just like that, after long months of being with each other, I mean, trying to persuade her to be with me- splat! end of story. I just couldn't give her the benefit of dumping me again (that was already the third time actually). But God knows how I really wanted to be with her, up to now. At that very forsaken moment, (when she did dump me, hell, again) the never-ending question about my self worth had been aroused. The things that happened to me in the past and the things that are happening to me right now have affected me deeply that it makes me feel dismal and pathetic.
Since Shiela and I broke up a year and a half ago, I always had this feeling that nobody would like to be with me anymore, though many girls have been with me after her, there's always this missing feeling that makes my relationship with them too shallow to last. Our relationship was a little too special, but it ended badly just the same. It was like finding what I've always wanted, having it, then watching it collapse before my very eyes. It was terrible, very appalling. It was something I never saw coming, something I never expected to happen but it did and it continues to happen everytime I find myself falling in love with someone new. I feel it like a curse that won't let me go.
Now it's time to move on once again. The wounds I have taken from my past have helped me become used to the process but it never made an expert out of me. It can barely even be a basis that I was really able to move on from everything I have gone through, as other people believed. It is now time for me to continue searching for my purpose of being here in this goddamned earth. Knowing what or who could have been the reason for me to be here is something I will always look forward to. In the eyes of other people, I have always been brave, calm and collected and so I will continue to be, as I go on with my life, concealing the scars of my wrecked soul.