loner
Saturday, February 05, 2005 @ 10:40 AM 0 comments

Someone asked Bon why I am such a loner. It didn’t actually came as a surprise but it has affected me in a way Bon has never expected the information to have. The question made me feel strange and different. And it made me think hard, trying to answer it myself, but in vain.Right now, I’m in the library alone again. I’ve been pondering about that question for hours and can’t seem to find an acceptable answer just yet. I refuse to believe that there’s something wrong with me because, well, I’m not that really alone but most of the time, yes I am like that in school. I thought Ranna was the only famous loner I’ve known but I haven’t realized some people think that I am, too myself.

From the very first class I have been to here in college, I knew something wasn’t just right. All the girls but one in that class hated me; they said I’ve been spreading rumours about one of them having a crush on me, which was completely illogical. I didn’t even know them at that time! Since then, I never had a chance to befriend any estrogen hormoned creature from school again before Ranna. I had a girlfriend, Apple but the relationship lasted only two weeks. And what I was actually looking for was the kind of female friends back in high school. There, almost all the girls in every class I’ve been to became my close friends but here, only Ranna really reached that category and almost farther than that. Now, she is graduating at probably the very same time I am writing this, in the grand halls of the PICC and I am left alone, just again.

Almost every day of the past nine years, I come here in school feeling like a goddamned fraud. Here, I am surrounded by these intelligent people and it really makes me feel bad to think that I can never be half as good as them, no matter how I try. Just here in the library, they read books about pumps and hydro-electric systems while I go for the non-fiction books (here beside me is one which claims to have been a New York Times bestseller: Love_enter) from the non-fiction books section, which could have probably been provided exclusively for me.

Almost all the friendships I have frailly managed to have here in college were either doomed from the very beginning or short-lived because all of them were either kicked out (appeals denied) or have given up the idea of being here and get psychotic eventually or have already graduated or have shifted to other courses. Of course, there’s still Bon, Mina, Roy, Ryan and a few others but those friendships don’t really get that deep, if you know what I mean. And all that’s left were my acquaintances that had already found their groups just as when mine went separate ways. My last attempt in finding my place here was when I auditioned for the Mapua Concert singers, the only org I have tried to join but eventually had turned me down three times. I figured out they don’t accept good-looking people and it was a consolation that none of them really were.

It is a harsh world. And everyday I get out from mine to a harsher one.



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