the monster in him
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 @ 4:59 PM 0 comments

I don’t really understand how my father summons the monster in him and I don’t know what he’s always getting at. He keeps on picking on my cousin, Lael and I don’t get how he could mistreat him in such a way. (i.e.) we were playing Word Factory when he arrived with my mother then he began looking for things he could have a reason to pick on him again. Of course, he never hurt him physically but the way he talks to him really gets to me. He looks at him like dirt and nothing more and what makes it more ludicrous for me is how he shows such kindness to other people especially to those he have helped (mostly, if not all his constituents from Bicol) get their own houses here in our place and have such cold attitude to others such as Lael and even his own family.

And what I don’t understand is why he has to do all that. What does he get from being such a pain in the ass inside the house and have a holy image outside? And to think, he came from what Lael is now, he should know exactly how he is feeling, living with other people just to get himself to school. I just can’t believe him.

A few years back, he and my sexually abusive cousin, Melody were the primary reasons why I don’t go home early. He, because I’m sick of him always being too domineering and his immediate niece, because she molests me and I got fed up and realized how it had been gross all the time (looong story) and I wanted the both of them to be asleep when I get home, albeit Melody still opens the door for me when I do. It was that time in my life when my own house felt strange to me, I couldn’t stop thinking how my life could have been a little better had he not been my father.

And Jules, I don’t need any of your criticizing comments here. I know how you like my father, and ok maybe he seems good at that to you but he doesn’t really know how to be like that to his son, at least and you don’t really know how it’s like to be his son. It’s easy for you to tell coz you live in a perfect world. You would surely ask me again to reflect on myself if I had been a good son, but tell you what, I’ve been trying for years to at least have a smooth relationship with him but all my efforts ended in vain. He’s good now, the next minute he’s not. He’s got certain temperamental tendencies that he just can’t contain and though I know he’s aware of his being unreasonable, he just couldn’t get himself to understand the certain differences the two of us have. And I still believe that when you and your child don’t understand each other anymore, that’s when you know you’re missing your most important part.

I feel sorry for feeling like this toward my own father, I hate myself for having to write this here but all these are true. His attitude made him the person I've always cared about least.



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