the new me
Saturday, October 08, 2005 @ 6:13 PM 0 comments

After the tragedy strucked once more, I came to think about myself and the things that repeatedly happened to me. I tried to look back at the things I've done wrong and the mistakes I stubbornly always get fond of doing. Now I came to a hard but long overdue decision: I'm going to leave everything behind and try to start anew just as this new school term has begun (yes, Im still in school after another appeal). I've finally decided to let go of the things in my past that kept me miserable for the past three years and which also kept me from moving on. This time, it's gonna be the new me.

I came to a point where I finally got fed up of failure being a commonplace in my life. I figured I never got used to it and it seems that it's never going to get tired of me too so I better face it with a brave face than just wait for it to strike me right in the face once again. This time, I'll try to make myself a better person and I knew I had to start it with painful but rightful decisions.

And the hardest of that is finally letting go of Shiela. I always say that I needed closure between her and me, but I only say that because I know she won't do it and that I don't want her to. It was like she's keeping me as an investment that if I get to succeed later in life, she will pop out from out of nowhere and it would be easy for her to say that she has loved me all these times and pretend that she'd never really closed that chapter in her life. I'm not really sure about her tactics, but it is how it seems. Japan has made a different person out of her that practicality and no longer emotions dictate her actions and unfortunately, she had made an obsessed masochist out of me but this time I am freeing myself from being her slave. I have already hurt too many people in order for me to conceal what's really going on and it just got to stop. The Shiela that used to love me has died, a fact that I keep telling myself for the past three years but only got to realize it now. I also realized that the fiasco in Batangas where she cried after seeing me and Mench together was not caused by the mere fact that I seemed to have really moved on. It was because it had hit her ego to see me moving on.

The last time I went to her house with Jules and Muriel about last week, I waited for a sign which never came. I waited to see if there's still a spark of connection between her and me, but in vain. After two days of thinking, I've decided to do the closure myself. I sent her an eight-part text message and told her that I am finally moving on. I received no reply I never expected.

The next day, I had my head shaved. It was something I used to do every time I end a relationship when I was younger. It was only with her that I had to do it twice. Now, armed with nothing but just myself, I will move on.

My school has given me another chance to finish Mechanical Engineering. It was the first time for me to enter the Dean's office (along with the others who also received KO status) and promised myself that it would be the last. With only 7 units on top of me (I was a late enrolee so there weren't too many sections open and I was refused to waive the other subjects) for this term, this is going to be an easy start.

Now, all I need right now is the support from anyone who might still believe in me because this is going to be the new me, trying to mend the scars of my wrecked soul.



SCARS OF MY WRECKED SOUL
Journal of Andrew Nava Trapani
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Profile

Friendster Profile

Multiply Profile


EXITS
Ala
Anne
Bianca
Blanca
Coco
Domz
Eda
Edmarie
Jane
Jay
Mapua
Postsecret
Silversoul

MAPUAN BLOGS
Anette
Aki
Diana
Jules
Mapua Bloggers
Mark
Ninni
Rapunzel
Remely
Sean

LOOKING BACK
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007

Design
AMBIVALENTE


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket