never the same
I have my mind set. I wanted to take away Mama from my father. The recent happenings are enough to convince me that the safest place for Mama right now is anywhere but our own home. I think I have also found enough reasons that it is no longer healthy for this family to stay together.
In perhaps the biggest emotional confrontation I have ever been in my entire life, my father neither denied nor confirmed anything. He was just adamant in saying that he has done nothing wrong and I don't understand how he gets the nerve in saying that when everything else says otherwise. The moment he avoided my questions was the most painful experience for both me and my mother, it was a lot more than saying he was guilty. I would have wanted if he he had lied again in front me than just plain brushing off the things I wanted to know, I would have wanted him to try and convince me that the things I've heard and the things I know were not true. But he never did. His refusal to defend himself was like not defending this family that we've been trying to save, for me.
It was the first time in my living memory that I had actually talked to him that way and I have never felt so much anger and hatred. After that, I have only been given more questions than needed answers. And one more thing I guess I would never comprehend is the way my mother acted after that. Only after a few days, things are back again to what they would probably think as 'normal'. A house with a mother, a father and children - normal family. A family that I think I would never look at the same way I have ever done in my life. When my Aunt asked me a few weeks ago if I would want to have a broken family as I search for truth, I told her I would rather have one than to have a family bereft of honesty, and I would live up to it. I rarely promise anything but this time I swear, my quest for what is true has just begun.
The portrait on the living room wall, unnoticed and taken for granted just as the family it was supposed to represent.