who's your daddy now?
Wednesday, February 07, 2007 @ 10:49 PM 1 comments
I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. My head is full of questions that I know nobody could possibly answer me as of now. Neither I had a fight with my girlfried, Timmy nor something bad had actually happened. It's deep within, something repeatedly playing inside my head. A thing that I think will never have control over ever.
Tonight I found out that Noel, Chzny's father had added Timmy in Friendster. Before that, he refused any amicable settlement with Timmy regarding their child. And for eight years he never had the initiative to communicate with them until now. The few times they talked after they separated, which is most of the time over the phone, was only about Chzny and on those few times, Noel had only one thing in mind. He would only support the kid, if Timmy would allow Chzny to live with him which I think is far from possible.
It would be very stupid if I'd say I never thought this day would come - when he would be looking for his only daughter but I just don't feel like I have already emotionally prepared myself for something like this. And apparently, out of all the adjustments I did on my end for this relationship, I think this is one thing I missed. I never knew I would actually care.
Just last night, I helped Chzny review for her Religion and Math exams this morning. I'm not sure if she actually learned anything from me but I feel certain she was happy that I was there. In one of my visits, her cousins Rein and AJ who were about the same age as her - about 6 or 7, were arguing in front of me while playing the Playstation. The issue was: if I would be Chzny and Chlzy's next father. One of them eventually summoned the courage to ask me, looking almost certain that I would say 'Yes' but before I can even answer, he added if I would buy Chzny her own Playstation portable in the future and the only thing I was able to say was that Timmy and I could talk about it. To that, Chzny's eyes widened with excitement and even commented that she would have wanted to have a Bratz doll over a PSP. It was only until later that I found out how much a PSP costs.
The younger child, Chlzy (Chel-zee), who turned 2 last December, on the other hand, have already grown to calling me "Adoo", short for 'Tito Andrew'. Of the two, I would say she is the one closer to me as of now. She always looks for me and sometimes when I'm there, I feel like I don't have only one shadow. She follows me everywhere and imitates anything I do. There were even times when I arrive when the two girls would rush to me and would playfully help me untie my shoes, something me and my sister loved to do for Papa when we were in grade school. I think I have already established a certain connection with each of them that sometimes I can't stop feeling truly overwhelmed. I can never be sure if they really see me as their father but honestly, I sometimes wish they really do.
I don't feel mad about Noel adding Timmy in Friendster, I don't mind if they would communicate, as long as it would be exclusively for the sake of Chzny, but somehow I feel alarmed about how I would figure to be someone in the little girls' later life if Timmy and I would be together for the rest of our lives. And if that would happen, I would want to adopt them but would they also want me to do so if they had the choice? And if they do, would they still have to be looking for their own fathers? And if that happens, who am I going to be then in their lives? Would they also see me as a real father or would they only plainly see me as the good old "Adoo" for the rest of their existence? I can't help feeling depressed just thinking about it, and hey things are just beginning.